1 September 2012

Genap dua tahun sudah aku dan kamu bukan lagi 'kita'.

Genap dua tahun sudah aku berjuang mati-matian melupakanmu, atau setidaknya mengikhlaskan kepergianmu. Entah kenapa begitu sulit, meskipun aku sudah bisa melanjutkan hidupku dengan cara yang lebih baik, meskipun aku sudah cukup bahagia dengan hidupku sekarang, meskipun aku sadar bahwa aku mendapatkan banyak hal luar biasa semenjak kepergianmu. Tapi tetap saja hati ini masih condong kepadamu. Entah, akupun tak mengerti tapi rasa-rasanya masih ada yang belum terselesaikan dengan tuntas di antara kita, atau mungkin hanya perasaanku saja yang belum tuntas. Entahlah..

Berjuang mati-matian, aku rasa ungkapan itu tak berlebihan. Aku memang harus merangkak dari bawah dalam menjalani kehidupanku semenjak kepergianmu, sampai akhirnya aku sudah bisa berjalan normal seperti sekarang, meskipun terkadang aku masih suka jatuh tersandung karna terlalu sering melihat ke belakang :) Selalu ada yang membuatku ingin menengok lagi dan lagi, banyak hal yang aku pertanyakan dan itulah yang membuatku merasa diberatkan sehingga tak mampu berlari ke depan.

Selama dua tahun ini, aku mencoba melepaskan beban itu, tapi.... selalu gagal.

*I've got so much lessons learned, but I couldn't learn enough.*

Selama ini aku memang menyalahkan diriku, tapi aku lebih cenderung menyalahkan kalian. Aku tau aku salah (meskipun aku belum mengerti apa salahku sebenarnya sampai kamu tega seperti itu?). Aku memang salah, tapi aku selalu menempatkan diriku sebagai korbannya, dan kalian pelakunya. Dan pemikiran itulah yang membuatku masih menyimpan rasa sakit dan sulit untuk mengikhlaskan.

Sampai akhirnya kemarin sore, aku menemukan sesuatu yang sekiranya bisa menjawab pertanyaan yang membelengguku selama 2 tahun ini, "Why'd you leave?". 

Aku memang iseng, dan aku selalu menemukan banyak hal dari keisenganku itu. Aku 'kepo' terhadap cerita masa laluku, aku hobby mengorek-ngorek luka lama. dan keisengan serta ke'kepo'an itu kali ini membawaku  menemukan jawaban dari pertanyaanku tersebut. yap, history chat kita di Yahoo!Messenger cukup menjawab pertanyaanku selama 2 tahun ini..

Perbincangan kita di Y!M tersebut membuat perasaanku benar-benar terkoyak, sakit rasanya. Kali ini bukan kemesraan kita yang selalu kurindu, bukan pula kata-katamu yang menyakitkan, bukan itu. Tapi justru sebaliknya.. kata-kataku padamu yang menurutku terlalu menyakitkan. Bahasaku memang halus, tak pernah kasar. tapi aku sadar penyampaian dan makna tersiratnya sangat menyakitkan. Perbincangan singkat itu seakan-akan menggambarkan sikapku padamu akhir-akhir itu, tak heran jika kita sering sekali bertengkar hebat. Aku benar-benar egois, manipulatif, dan ingin mendominasi. Emosiku yang sedang tidak stabil saat itu (karena banyak masalah di luar hubungan kita) membuatku terlalu egois untuk menyadari bahwa kamu pun sudah berusaha maksimal untuk menjaga hubungan kita, kamu sudah maksimal untuk berusaha tetap mengerti dan mengalah demi mempertahankan aku, demi membuat aku nyaman. But I was too blind to see it :'(

Tak heran jika kamu meninggalkanku pada akhirnya.. karena jika aku ada di posisimu, mungkin aku akan bertindak hal yang sama, pergi. Apalagi saat itu ada seseorang yang lebih mengerti dirimu dan bisa membuatmu nyaman :)

Aku sungguh menyesal, tapi sudahlah. Percuma juga disesali karna semuanya tak akan pernah bisa kembali lagi.. Kesalahanku sudah tertulis di buku kenangan kita, semoga Allah mengampuniku, dan semoga kamu mau memaafkan aku yang selalu menyalahkan keegoisanmu, padahal aku sendiri lebih egois.

Kamu memang terlalu baik, penyayang, lelaki paling tulus yang pernah aku kenal, dan dengan bodohnya aku membuatmu pergi dengan keegoisanku. Lelaki sepertimu memang tak pantas disandingkan dengan perempuan sepertiku. Selama ini aku selalu terfokus pada kaca pembesar, mencari-cari kesalahanmu. namun saat ini aku sudah melihat cermin dan menyadari... justru aku yang tak pantas untukmu, kamu terlalu baik.. Tuhan pun tau itu. Tak heran jika kita dipisahkan :)

Mungkin memang DIA lah yang pantas, yang layak untukmu ;) semoga dia tidak mengulangi kesalahanku dengan membuatmu pergi. Semoga kamu berbahagia dengannya, aku tau kamu memang bahagia dengannya :) Semoga aku bisa benar-benar ikhlas, demi melihatmu bahagia..

Cinta macam apa yang mengekang kebebasan?

Cinta macam apa yang memisahkan 'aku' dari 'kamu'?

Cinta macam apa yang memposisikan 'aku' lebih tinggi dan berkuasa daripada 'kamu'?

Cinta  macam apa yang tak sanggup menampung ketulusan dan keluasan makna dari kata 'KITA'?

Aku bahagia kalau kamu bahagia, semoga kalian berbahagia, tentu saja :)

- Revolvere project! -

Tadi gue iseng ngutak ngatik HP gue dan gue nemu sebuah folder yang isinya 149 sms dari mantan gue Muhammad Ardiana a.k.a Aredie Ruthless :) Gue emang sengaja ga ngehapus folder itu, bukan karna masih sayang, tapi karna isi sms nya bagus-bagus. Bagus dalam artian bukan gombal unyu unyu menyemenye, tapi ada beberapa yang bisa gue ambil pelajaran dari situ, ada beberapa sms yang isinya inspirasional, dan bikin gue termotivasi untuk menjadi perempuan yang lebih baik. Maklum, waktu dulu gue pacaran sama Aredie kerjaan dia emang ceramahin gue mulu hahaha gombal dikit dan sms geje juga banyak sih, tapi yang masih gue simpen cuma sms yang isinya berbobot aja, dari sms sharing curhat, sampe sms berantem kita yang bisa diambil pelajaran dari situ hahaha..

Gue iseng baca-bacain lagi semua sms di folder itu, dan ada beberapa sms yang bikin gue cukup tertegun, isinya gini:

Date: 01-12-2010 Time: 22:59

"Hunny? I lose the game. Naw you the winner for all human mistake.

Like you've told me abt love you were right.

Then I'm play as a junk head."

Date: 01-12-2010 Time: 23:06

"Ard sedih hunn, km bener2 amazing bgt buat ard.

Perempuan yg kuat bgt lebih dr cowo.

Really I'm proud of you :)"

Date: 01-12-2010 Time: 23:16

"Km salah satu kriteria org yg bener2 pasti lebih jauh ngerti tentang semua kehidupan. Bahkan ard yakin, skrg km ud jd lebih Pinter drpd ard."

Date: 01-12-2010 Time: 23:36

"Cintya Indah Suciaty :) Km baik bgt ya jd org :) bs share sm siapa aj. Buat ard km yg pertama ngtouch hati sampe ard ga nyadar sebaikny kasih sayang yg km kasih sm ard. Uuu, itu besar bgt buat ard. Ard menghargai n mensyukuri dr sekecil apapun yg km kasih sm ardi. Ard g bisa bilang apa2 skrg, cuman yg ard bisa bilang jangan tinggalin ard yaah, suatu hari km pasti org yg paling amazing buat keluarga km n org2 sekitar yg syg sm km. Astagfirullah km bener2 baik sekali buat ard :)"

Date: 01-12-2010 Time: 23:59

"Kelakuan sekecil yg ga pernah km sadari ditangkep sm ard

dan ard olah positive dengan cara Gaya bahasa sehari2 km.

Percaya apa engga, smua ini balik lg sm km."

(Note: I'm sorry Aredie if I publish yer sms here hehe)

Begitulah isi sms Aredie ke gue yang semuanya dikirim tanggal 1 Desember 2010. Sayangnya gue ga nyimpen sms balesan gue ke dia apa aja, yang jelas isi sms dia seperti itu wkwkwk. Apa yang bikin gue tertegun? hmmm, gue masih inget waktu gue baca sms itu yang ada di benak gue cuma: "Why??? Am I that amazing? Am I that nice? Am I really more clever than him? and am I know about life more than him???" Ampe sekarang pun gue masih bertanya-tanya kira2 apa yang melandasi dia berkata seperti itu. Perasaan gue sih dulu gue ke dia biasa aja, ga sebaik yang dia bilang, gue pun masih bloon ga ngerti apapun soal hidup, justru gue banyak dikasih pelajaran sama dia, lantas kenapa dia bisa bilang kyk gitu ya? Only him knows..

Oh ya, ada satu kalimat dari sms dia yang bikin gue sedikit GR hahaha, bukan GR sih sebenernya, ini lebih ke bikin gue jadi lebih terpacu untuk benar-benar bisa seperti itu:

"Suatu hari km pasti org yg paling amazing
buat keluarga km n org2 sekitar yg syg sm km."

^^

Gue yakin si Aredie nya sendiri pasti sekarang pengen narik balik semua omongan di sms-sms nya itu, secara dia sekarang udah benci bgt ama gue ampe ga mau kenal lagi cuma gara-gara masalah sepele hahaha.. But whatever lah, apapun maksud dan alasan yang mendasari semua perkataan dia itu, yang jelas gue termotivasi buat ngebuktiin klo omongan-omongan dia itu insya Allah bisa jadi doa dan bisa jadi kenyataan :) Insya Allah gue jadi perempuan yang lebih kuat dari cowo, Insya Allah suatu saat gue bisa jadi perempuan yang paling amazing buat keluarga gue dan buat orang-orang yang sayang sama gue. hehe AMIN :)

This is Aredie and Me

*Whoops! I even still keep the folder of our pics in my laptop LOL :p

no offense dude hahahahahahahahaahha*

Dear someone..

Do you know? I still can't move on..

I've been trying my best to forget you, but i'm failed. I've been trying my best to convince myself that I hate you, but I know I just lying to myself, yeah. I know I hate you coz I still love you but I'm no longer called you MINE, I know I hate you just because you left me for somebody else and forget what you've ever promised me, forget me easily, that's why.. That's why I hate you but.. for god's sake I know the fact I still love you so deeply hahaha blame on me (:

Once after the break up, I've ever found someone..

For the first time I was happy coz he came into my life and said he fall in love with me.. He's nice, he's good with his mature mind, and he could make me feel comfortable, I was happy at the time.. I think maybe yeah, GOD sent him to me to be my savior, my painkiller, my hero.. I thought he will love me and treat me well.. I thought I can move on with him by my side.. I was grateful, so I tried to love him, yeah I love him but.. finally I've found out that he's not as nice as I ever thought, he's not really love me, he couldn't accept me for who really I am, for who I am with my very bad past :) he didn't respect me and always underestimate me, he couldn't treat me well and special, I couldn't feel the comfortness anymore, he's full of insecurities, he made me as his secret gf, he put me on an uncertain relationship, and the worst thing: he cheated me! he choose a girl he never ever met before, than a girl who always spend a lot of times with him? wtf that's so funny hahaha fuckin' weird jerk -_- I lose my love and my respect to him and I realize that he's not the right man for me, he's not what I've been looking for.. I realize that I just fell in love with the thoughts that I love him, not fell in love with him, he even not succeed to make me forget you, yes he did but only for a moment.. Well, the point is he couldn't replace you, so it's over. Too bad it's over with a tragic ending. hahaha but never mind (:

Oh well, here's my confession, do you know the song "Thinking Of You" by Katy Perry? That's my sondtrack! This song is for you.. Do you want to know why? read the lyric:

"Comparisons are easily done once you've had a taste of perfection..

Like an apple hanging from a tree, I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed..

You said move on, Where do I go?

I guess second best is all I will know..

Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you.. Thinking of you..

What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night?

Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes..

You're like an Indian summer in the middle of winter

Like a hard candy with a surprise center..

How do I get better once I've had the best?

You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test..

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth..

He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself..

You're the best and yes I do regret how I could let myself let you go..

Now the lesson's learned.. I touched it I was burned..

Oh I think you should know..

Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you.. Thinking of you..

What you would do if you were the one who was spending the night?

Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes..

Oh won't you walk through and bust in the door and take me away..

Oh no more mistakes, cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..."

Yapp.. That's song really describes me.. That's song really happened to my life. and you know? it's killing me to still thinking about you when I'm with somebody else. The worst thing is I always compare you with him, and even with all the boys in this world! I know it's bad, really baaad.. But, this is what I'm really feeling ):

Dear you my dearest..

I'm not sure I could find someone better than you, coz you're the best thing that ever happened in my life.. Yeah I admit it, you're the best thing that I ever had! Yes you are ♥ :)

Your big brown eyes, your sweet wide smile, your very cute thick lips, are the best thing I've ever seen in someone's face. You're so beautiful for me :) Your voice when you sing a song for me, and the song you've made for me (All That I Need) I still keep that song in my laptop, and I hear it everytime I miss you.. The way you always made me feel special like a princess, I know no one could make me feel special like you ever did to me.. The way you loved me, the way you needed me, gave me the best feeling in my life :) You're too amazing for me!!! All the stuffs you ever gave me, I still keep them in a safer place.. Our couple t-shirts, I still wear them.. the sexy red dress you bought me when you went to Bali, someday I'll wear it okay? hahaha.. and the cellphone you bought me when I've lost mine, I still use it anyway (: thankyou.. Our couple ring you ever put to my finger? now I put it in a heart box :) The photoboxes, the bill papers, cinema tickets, travel tickets, those things are useless but still precious for me.. The 5GB folder of our pictures and videos, I still keep in my laptop.. I don't wanna throw those things, coz those are the last things I can have from you :)

There're too many best memories remind me of you *eventho with a tragic ending which killing me* but that's still beautiful for me anyway.. coz now I finally realize that I can't blame you for the ending, it's not only your fault, it's my fault too.. I try my best, and even give my world to keep this relationship lasts, but I'm failed.. I'm just an ordinary human who has so many imperfections, and so you are.. We're both just two ordinary humans with so many imperfections, selfishness, useless pride, anger, and sins :) :) :) and yeah, I realize there's a very good reason why GOD separated both of us.. I know why.. and I try to understand it :)

It's been 3 months since you're gone, but I still love you from the deepest of my heart.. This love is too strong, I never ever felt a feeling like this before.. It's only with you I feel this strongest love. Very pure.. I still love you eventho you're already hurted me so much, over and over again.. You broke my pure heart and throw the seeds of hatred in it :( You hurted me, but I still crazy in love with you! I feel like love is a madness.. yeah, love is madness..

Dear you my dearest..

I know you're already found someone there.. someone better than me.. someone who can makes you happier than ever.. someone who can changes you to be a better person.. someone who can makes you really grow up.. someone who can changes you from my little spoiled boy to be her real mature man :) I hope you're happier now.. I know you're happier.. But I hope you feel the best feeling of happiness now, with her, eventhough it's really killing me to know it's not me who can make you feel happiest, and it makes my heart bleeds to know my little spoiled boy finally found his safer place, but it's not in me.. :) Probably she's your best, but you're still the best for me.. no one's better than you :)

I'm sorry to write this, I'm sorry for being real, I just can't help my feelings anymore.. I can't keep lying to my heart, to everyone, to you.. I need to be honest, my heart can't keep a lie anymore.. ya ya ya I can't lie anymore, I hate to be a liar (: I know you won't read this, coz I know you'll never give yourself time to get to know about me anymore, not for a second, maybe yeah.. But I need to make a confession to feel relieved :) so I write this..

Dear you my dearest..

I'm sorry, I still love you deeply ♥

There's nothing I can do anymore.. You're gone, found someone else, live a happier life.. and forget me.. No one can bring you back to me, no one can bring us back to where we were.. I just can hope and pray to GOD, that someday, soon or later, I'll find someone who can replace you. Someone better than you.. Someone who can treat me more special than what you did.. Someone who can make me fall in love again, more pure, deeper and stronger than my love for you.. Someone who can give me the best feeling ever in this world.. Someone I'll grow up with.. Someone I'll spend the rest of my life with :)

But.. before I meet that right man, I choose to be alone until I find him (or maybe find you back? lol).. I think being single is better than fall to the wrong guys.. Maybe I willl feel so lonely, coz eventho I can laughing all day with my friends, I feel happy with my freedom, but deep inside I really need someone to share.. I'm just ordinary girl who needs love, rite? hahaha.. But it's okay, I can still handle it, coz I'll set myself busier than ever with my skripshit, and then my career.. And the most helpful thing is, my closeness to GOD :) You know? since I've broke up with you, I become more closer to GOD, and that's the best thing I can take from our break up :) That's good rite? yeah.. I think I need much more quality times for myself, to take the introspection, learn from everything that's happened in my life, and change myself to be a better woman. It's time to grow up and be independent (: I'm not a girl anymore and I don't wanna play with this shit.. I'm sick and tired of playing around, sick of the game, sick of the toys, sick of falling to the wrong guys.. I'm better off to be alone, give much more love to myself, GOD, family, and friends. I'll prepare myself to be a good quality woman, until I'm ready to find the right man for me, then I'll give him my true love, my whole world, my everything :)

That will be the day when I stop loving you :)

What a happy ending ♥ I wish.. 

I wanna be happy and lovely like you now. I wanna find a better quality of life, find the best happiness in the world and the hereafter.. Pray for me okay? wish me luck just like you, even better :)

I'm sorry for all the bad words that ever came out from my mouth, and for the emotions.. that's my bad :) could I take them all back? I wish I could..

Thank you so much for you my dearest..

With love and pain,

CINTYALALA TELETYABBYS ♡♥